Free to Forgive

“Without forgiveness life is governed by... an endless cycle of resentment and retaliation.” ~Roberto Assagioli, Italian psychiatrist (1888-1974)

No one really knew who started it. All anyone knew for sure was it started during the blizzard of ’78. Even in ’78, Herb and Pete had been next door neighbors for what seemed like a long time. The heavy snows that year made it increasingly difficult to keep the walks clear and the driveways open, especially with nothing more than a broom and snow shovel.

One particularly bad morning, Herb and Pete had spent hours clearing their respective driveways. Neighbors swear it was a passing snowplow that undid the two men’s hard work that day, but each accused the other of shoveling his driveway shut.

The advent of snow blowers escalated the feud. They both wielded their mechanized snow-removal devices like weapons, quickly destroying the work of the other. A well-meaning neighbor, in an effort to make peace, tried to intercede. Both men gave the self-appointed peacemaker the same five word answer: “Mind your own damn business.”

After years of increasingly angry exchanges, they lapsed into silence and stopped talking with one another. They could get away with it because everyone knew better than to try to address the issue with either of them.

Herb, the older of the two, now in his late eighties, had grown bent and arthritic. Manual labor, such as shoveling snow, had become too hard for him. It was as much as he could do to walk, let alone drag out the snow blower, get it going, then clear the walks and driveway. His limited income prevented him from even paying one of the neighborhood youngsters to do it for him. Still, every weekday morning, he would walk to the corner store for the daily paper.

One morning he came back from his walk to find his driveway cleaned and his walkways swept. All winter long the pattern was repeated. Every time there was a snowfall, Herb would return from his walk to find the snow had been cleared away.

Pete had noticed the plight of his old adversary, and whenever it snowed, he would wait for Herb to leave for his walk, and then quickly clear the snow from his property. Strangely, no words ever passed between the two of them. Instead, once a week, during his visit to the corner store Herb would purchase a bag of peanut butter-filled pretzels; Pete’s favorite. Every Friday, without a word, he would leave them in Pete’s mailbox.

So it went, until one day Herb collapsed on his way home. He was rushed to the hospital, but the end had finally come. Pete came to the hospital to make amends with his old enemy, but talk was unnecessary. They had made up long ago.

One of Jesus’ parables relates the story of a man who is forgiven a great sum of money by the King (God). Immediately thereafter he encounters a fellow servant who owes him a much smaller sum of money. He physically accosts the man and has him thrown in jail. Hearing about the incident the King recalls the first man, chastises him for his lack of forgiveness, then turns him over to the torturers.

The Unforgiving Servant locked away his fellow servant in a physical prison. We are capable of doing something metaphorically similar to those with whom we disagree. Like Herb and Pete, we often incarcerate one another emotionally.

This incarceration doesn’t take place behind steel bars and concrete walls, but it can be just as effective. Instead we withhold our love and acceptance, we express our contempt and sometimes, we shun others and cut off all communication with them. There are people who don’t even remember what initiated the feuds in their lives; all that matters to them is they not be the one who gives in.

The satisfaction we might feel initially from “shunning” another is often short-lived. It can be quickly replaced by feelings of guilt, remorse, angst and even fear. These emotions pick at us, worry us and generally disrupt our day.

Just as the unforgiving servant is turned over to the torturers, we relinquish ourselves to the tortures of these disruptive emotions because of our unwillingness to forgive another. As faithful stewards we know our time is much better spent forgiving others than holding them hostage with our emotions.

And actions speak louder than words. Herb and Pete were reconciled exclusively through actions and not words. So, if the right words don’t come easily, save the apologies, skip the arguments and do the kind and forgiving thing. You and the one you forgive will both be free.

Dear God: May I never lock someone away in the prison of my contempt.

“To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.” ~Lewis B. Smedes, "Forgiveness - The Power to Change the Past," Christianity Today, 7 January 1983

© 2011 James E. Carper. All rights reserved.
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