Though it was early Thursday morning, my perfectionist/ego brain was operating at max capacity. The very thought of a “national webinar” was thrilling. My voice and thoughts being broadcast to people throughout the US was just so gratifying and energizing. It had taken weeks to perfect the slideshow. Even so I spent the next three hours rehearsing and re-rehearsing, making sure things flowed just so.
Finally, fifteen minutes before “show time” the technician checked in, the application uploaded, and the person responsible for introducing me was signed in. At 10:05 am PST we launched. The hour passed quickly and before I knew it I was answering questions and accepting congratulations for a job well done.
My sense of self-worth soared. Throughout the remainder of the day I frequently found myself sharing my experience with others. Of course the “sharing” was often accomplished by introducing the subject into a conversation to which it was irrelevant. No matter; I had done my first NATIONAL webinar. That night I slept soundly secure in the fact that I had done a “good job.”
Early Friday morning, I arrived at the office, coffee in hand. After I hung up my dress jacket, booted up my computer and checked my messages I settled into my routine.
I customarily did my morning prayers shortly after I arrived at the office. It was quiet at this early hour and free of distractions. I slid my keyboard tray open. Because I use a laptop, the sliding tray was available for other things. It was a particularly good place for my prayer book which could remain open, available and out of sight.
The tray slid open smoothly and quietly. I stared down at the open book, trying to comprehend what was staring me in the face. “Wednesday, Evening Prayer” it read at the top of the page. That was odd. It should have read: “Thursday, Evening Prayer.”
Slowly, I began to realize what had happened. The morning before I had been so focused on preparing for my “big moment” and in the afternoon, so exuberant over my fleeting “15 minutes of fame” I had forgotten to say my prayers. As a Deacon candidate, these prayers were more than just time well-spent with my Creator; they were a requirement.
I proceeded to do my Friday Liturgy of the Hours slowly and carefully. Having finished the prayers, I still felt the need to do something to “compensate” for my oversight. The daily Gospel readings are available online.
Keying to the correct screen, I began to read from the Gospel according to Mark. Suddenly, I stopped. There in the middle of the page it read: “What profit is there for one to gain the whole world and forfeit his life?”
“Thank God,” I thought to myself. “Message received.”
Ego may very well be the most destructive force on earth. Without a doubt it is one of the greatest enemies of human kind. It starts wars, fuels racism, justifies bad behavior and destroys relationships. It is what makes some people “believe that Earth is the center of the universe and humans are the most important species, the supreme expression of creation” (Ann Druyan, American author and CEO).
Ego feeds the need for approval, the desire to control and a willingness to judge others. From a steward’s point of view, our ego wastes our time. My ego distracted me from spending time in prayer; but it could have just as easily distracted me from my family, my friends or helping someone in need.
Ego is, first and foremost, an addiction. What separates addictions from other forms of behavior is that addictions require constant feeding and attention. A little does not go a long way. The gratification of today’s hard won honors quickly dissipates, requiring new honors to replace them.
The real irony is that, deep beneath an inflated ego, we usually find an insecure or fearful spirit. There are no superiority complexes; only inferiority complexes, pretending to be superior.
If I had spent my time in prayer that morning, trusting in God, and the abilities he has given me, I probably would have done just a well, and without all the stress.
Our egos can never be satisfied, but, through God, we can come to live a satisfying life.
Dear God: Today I will trust in you and not in me.
“It is the nature of the ego to take, and the nature of the spirit to share.” ~proverb
©2012 James E. Carper. All rights reserved.
“90 Second Stewardship” All rights are reserved. You are welcome and encouraged to forward this e-mail to family and friends provided the”© 2012 James E. Carper. All rights reserved.” is included along with this message. Organizations, whether for or non profit, are required to receive written approval before reproducing these reflections. If written approval is given the “© 2012 James E. Carper. All rights reserved.” must be included along with this message.
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