Decisions, Decisions

“Every genuine crisis is potentially empowering, because it has the capacity to lead us to a greater level of authenticity and freedom.” ~Fr. Michael Casey, Australian spiritual writer and Cistercian Monk.


Letterman was doing his top 10 reasons not to live in LA when the phone started ringing. Don hit the record button on the DVR and got up to answer the phone. Locating the cordless, behind a pillow on the sofa, he clicked on. “Hello?” There was a brief pause. “Hello? Dad?” It was the voice of Don’s 22 year-old son Jason. “Is everything, OK?” Don asked quickly. “Yeh Dad, everything’s fine.” Masking the relief in his voice Don asked “What’s going on?” Faltering at first Jason began, “Well Dad, I am at this party, you know, at the Barker’s?”

Don was calmly shifting his weight from foot to foot in a gentle rocking motion. Jason continued “And, well you see somebody brought some party stuff…you know?” Trying not to over react Don smiled to himself. “No, I’m not sure I understand.” he replied calmly. “Well, somebody brought some, well you know, grass.” Don resisted the temptation to prolong his son’s agony by asking what he meant by “grass”. “You mean someone brought marijuana to the party?” he responded, still smiling. “Ah, yeh” Jason replied. “So why are you calling me?” Don inquired casually. There was a pregnant pause…. “Well, I was (ah) wondering if (um) you thought (ah) it was OK for me (um) to (ah) try it? Gratified by his son’s willingness to include him in the decision Don paused to avoid the obvious knee jerk reaction.

“Jason, you’re what, 22?” “Yeh Dad.” “Well here’s what I think. After all the talks we’ve had about how to make good decisions, I think it’s time I let you handle this one on your own.” “Besides…I trust you.” There was another long pause. “Well, ah, thanks Dad.” “Love you…I won’t be late…bye.” Don, looked at the receiver for a moment and smiled to himself. He knew what decision Jason would make. Clicking off he headed back to the DVR…and Letterman.

Our natural tendency is to make decisions for people. Particularly when they are moral decisions and particularly when the “people” in question are our kids. In doing so, however, we are doing the other person a disservice. Rather than being a steward of the process of decision making we rush to a conclusion imposing a final result. Ironically, a decision without process ceases to be a decision at all. By making choices for people we are denying them of their own journey. And a destination, with no journey, is not a destination. We must equip our loved ones for their own journeys rather than replicating the results of our own. We do so by modeling processes…by teaching others how to be stewards of their own journey.

The ends (the destination) do not justify the means (the journey). In point of fact, the means, or journey, is just as important, if not more important than the ends. In other words we need to teach good attitudes rather than hand down platitudes. “A person who has never had a crisis is one who remains forever inhibited, repressed, entrenched in delusion, and constricted by limitations so habitual they have become invisible.” (Michael Casey)

Why is the journey so important? Imagine for a moment you needed to travel to a location somewhere in a large city. If I blindfolded you and took you to that location, then left you there what good would it do? Not only would you not know how to repeat the process, you would have a very difficult time proceeding from that point. The immediate objective would have been accomplished (getting you there), but there would have been no nurturing and no growth. Making decisions for people or telling them what their decisions or beliefs should be is like giving someone only the last page of an instruction manual.

My friend Don gave Jason the whole instruction manual and taught him how to use it. When the crucial moment came Jason knew the process because he had already experienced the journey. Don had walked the path with him many times before, so Jason knew the way. Teach others how to journey and you never need worry about their destinations.

Dear God: Show me the way and I will find where it leads.


“It’s not hard to make decisions when you know what your values are.” ~Roy Disney, co-founder of the Walt Disney Company (1930-2009)

© 2010 James E. Carper. All rights reserved.
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